Dear Abby: Moved closer to family — big mistake

Dear Abby I made a terrible mistake moving miles across the country to be closer to my grandchildren In the past I have invariably noticed my son and daughter-in-law treated the other grandparents better They roll out the red carpet for my daughter-in-law s parents They arrange outings with them take photos and post the special grandchild-grandparent moments on Facebook No one takes photos of me doing the same things with the grandchildren It is also hard to do things with them because my daughter-in-law is unfailingly rushing them to do something else It s like she wants her parents to be the only ones who have a special relationship with the grandkids I feel sick to my stomach every day In the past I couldn t take off work to passage for visits like the other grandparents so I missed out on a lot I thought by moving here I would stop feeling like an outsider with my grandchildren I am single and still working and although this was a major disruption to my life it was a sacrifice I thought was worth making for the happiness of being a more involved grandparent But not much has changed What do you think Outsider in Tennessee Dear Outsider That queasy feeling you describe may be anxiety This is something you should discuss with your son Before I render any judgments it would have been helpful to know if you discussed your manageable move to Tennessee with him and his wife to see how they felt about it Or did you absolutely announce you were coming If they welcomed the idea but haven t included you shame on them Family counseling might help smooth things out if they are willing If they aren t and you aren t able to forge the kind of relationship you want with your grandchildren consider making another move somewhere where you are required and not so isolated Dear Abby Sometimes when I offer sympathy to someone about a formidable situation they are experiencing by saying I m sorry that person will respond by saying It s not your fault or No need to apologize It happened again nowadays The definition of sorry is an expression of sorrow or regret It s not necessarily an apology When people respond this way I find it awkward embarrassing and even belittling Please ask your readers to take the expression as it is intended It s usually obvious whether the person speaking is apologizing or expressing sympathy for your situation Apologizing in the West Dear Apologizing People in general have their personal pet peeves Although this response is yours I doubt numerous people will stop doing it because of one letter in my column The next time it happens TELL the person you weren t apologizing absolutely expressing sympathy If you say it with a smile the person is less likely to be offended Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother Pauline Phillips Contact Dear Abby at www DearAbby com or P O Box Los Angeles CA